[identity profile] kijikun.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] ds_workshop
I fretted for a while over which story to choice for this. In the end I choice the one I feel is my weakest story, and the one I'm the least happy over.

Deep Cover, my first Due South fic. A cliché fic at that. RayK and Fraser undercover at a gay sex club. Like that hasn't been done before.

If any of you can make sense of the title, let me know because I haven't a clue what I was thinking.

What hurts this story the most I think is the voices. Fraser feels too formal to me now. I'm also not sure the plot works, even though its light-years from what it was before my betas looked at it.

Take your best crack and let me know what you think.

Deep Cover, NC-17 RayK/Fraser

The mod for this week is [livejournal.com profile] sprat. She can be reached at sprat75 {at} gmail {dot} com.

Date: 2005-10-20 12:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zebra363.livejournal.com
I'll read this and comment later, but I just wanted to let you know that I didn't see this come up on my Flist, and it looks like the reason why is the date. Sprat's last message, which I saw, was dated the 16th, and this post is dated the 13th.

Maybe other people also don't know it's here?

Date: 2005-10-20 03:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sprat.livejournal.com
Oh dear. I was worried that might be an issue, since we've asked people to make their posts prior to the date we plan to release them. But then this post showed up on my flist right after I approved it, so I assumed all was well.

I'll make a post now, linking to this one, so we can be sure everyone sees it. Sorry about the mix-up, [livejournal.com profile] kijikun! And thanks, [livejournal.com profile] zebra363, for pointing this out!

Date: 2005-10-20 03:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zebra363.livejournal.com
Actually, I just scrolled back to the 17th and this post is there. Maybe I just missed it?

Date: 2005-10-20 03:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sprat.livejournal.com
Hmmm. I'll ask if anyone else missed the original post in the reminder I'm about to put up. Maybe we ought to ask people to post-date their entries anyway, just to be safe.

Thanks for going back to check. :)

Date: 2005-10-20 09:09 pm (UTC)
ext_40058: (RayK)
From: [identity profile] layniek.livejournal.com
I have to say I really do like this story. I have a weakness for the undercover-in-a-gay-sex-club cliche.

I especially like this line: Ray wanted to hit him. To kiss him. To do anything that would get his best friend to look him in the eye again. It expresses Ray's confusion really well.

I have a little trouble understanding Ray's reaction to Fraser's comments in the club. I'm not entirely sure, from the context of the story, why Ray is so hurt by what Fraser says to him, why he's so inclined to take it seriously. It seems clear to me, anyway, that Fraser is just pretending, since it's so out of character for Fraser, so it might be good to include a little more explanation of Ray's reaction.

As far as Fraser's voice, it doesn't really strike me as too formal most of the time. Once or twice it seemed a little bit formal, but I think that could usually be fixed by adding a contraction. Example: I was jealous. I am sorry, Ray.

Date: 2005-10-22 01:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zebra363.livejournal.com
I wouldn't have minded seeing the background to how they got from pretending to be a couple to Fraser sucking Ray off in an alleyway, and, as [livejournal.com profile] layniek4172 said, wanted a little more explanation for why Ray was so surprised by what Fraser said, even if it was "unscripted". We knew that Fraser was supposed to stage a scene, and he did so.

Ray nodded mutely; leave it to Fraser to go down on his partner only to keep their cover from being blown. “Yeah, I think he was,” and so was I.

Should this be "and so was Ray" instead of "and so was I"? The rest of the story isn't in the first person.

I don't think of Fraser as a good dancer, thanks to "Mountie Sings the Blues". I think there might be some contradictory evidence in s 1/2, though.

I agree about using a few contractions to take the edge off the formality of Fraser's speech.

My favourite line was the one about Fraser staring at the pink neon sign. It gave me a very clear picture of where they were — much more effective than just saying they were in a motel room. Another one I liked was Hell, he’d settle for being looked down on at this point.

Minor stuff:
*alleyway, not alley way
*Needs a period after then had turned up months later, mutilated
*Missing an "'s" in “That number twenty-three in the last three months”?
*"he'd of" in Hell, he’d of gone for it tonight. would probably be better written "he'd've" or something, even though it's dialogue (have, not of)
*Inconsistent plurals with Owens' hands but Owens's gesture, arm, best friend
*Do you mean Defiantly didn’t want to talk about how right Fraser’s hands had felt, or "definitely"?
*Should be "see" in At least then Fraser wouldn’t seem him cry.
*Should be "was" in Not when Fraser’s other hand and stroking his jaw?
*A few other minor inconsistencies like spaces either side of the dashes sometimes but not other times, and maybe some missing hyphens in phrases like soft lipped kiss , half open teeth bared mouth, Mountie like.

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