Date: 2005-10-22 01:57 am (UTC)
I wouldn't have minded seeing the background to how they got from pretending to be a couple to Fraser sucking Ray off in an alleyway, and, as [livejournal.com profile] layniek4172 said, wanted a little more explanation for why Ray was so surprised by what Fraser said, even if it was "unscripted". We knew that Fraser was supposed to stage a scene, and he did so.

Ray nodded mutely; leave it to Fraser to go down on his partner only to keep their cover from being blown. “Yeah, I think he was,” and so was I.

Should this be "and so was Ray" instead of "and so was I"? The rest of the story isn't in the first person.

I don't think of Fraser as a good dancer, thanks to "Mountie Sings the Blues". I think there might be some contradictory evidence in s 1/2, though.

I agree about using a few contractions to take the edge off the formality of Fraser's speech.

My favourite line was the one about Fraser staring at the pink neon sign. It gave me a very clear picture of where they were — much more effective than just saying they were in a motel room. Another one I liked was Hell, he’d settle for being looked down on at this point.

Minor stuff:
*alleyway, not alley way
*Needs a period after then had turned up months later, mutilated
*Missing an "'s" in “That number twenty-three in the last three months”?
*"he'd of" in Hell, he’d of gone for it tonight. would probably be better written "he'd've" or something, even though it's dialogue (have, not of)
*Inconsistent plurals with Owens' hands but Owens's gesture, arm, best friend
*Do you mean Defiantly didn’t want to talk about how right Fraser’s hands had felt, or "definitely"?
*Should be "see" in At least then Fraser wouldn’t seem him cry.
*Should be "was" in Not when Fraser’s other hand and stroking his jaw?
*A few other minor inconsistencies like spaces either side of the dashes sometimes but not other times, and maybe some missing hyphens in phrases like soft lipped kiss , half open teeth bared mouth, Mountie like.
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