this week's story: "Deep Cover" By Kijikun

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

I fretted for a while over which story to choice for this. In the end I choice the one I feel is my weakest story, and the one I'm the least happy over.

Deep Cover, my first Due South fic. A cliché fic at that. RayK and Fraser undercover at a gay sex club. Like that hasn't been done before.

If any of you can make sense of the title, let me know because I haven't a clue what I was thinking.

What hurts this story the most I think is the voices. Fraser feels too formal to me now. I'm also not sure the plot works, even though its light-years from what it was before my betas looked at it.

Take your best crack and let me know what you think.

Deep Cover, NC-17 RayK/Fraser

The mod for this week is sprat. She can be reached at sprat75 {at} gmail {dot} com.

Comments

[zebra363.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't have minded seeing the background to how they got from pretending to be a couple to Fraser sucking Ray off in an alleyway, and, as layniek4172 said, wanted a little more explanation for why Ray was so surprised by what Fraser said, even if it was "unscripted". We knew that Fraser was supposed to stage a scene, and he did so.

Ray nodded mutely; leave it to Fraser to go down on his partner only to keep their cover from being blown. “Yeah, I think he was,” and so was I.

Should this be "and so was Ray" instead of "and so was I"? The rest of the story isn't in the first person.

I don't think of Fraser as a good dancer, thanks to "Mountie Sings the Blues". I think there might be some contradictory evidence in s 1/2, though.

I agree about using a few contractions to take the edge off the formality of Fraser's speech.

My favourite line was the one about Fraser staring at the pink neon sign. It gave me a very clear picture of where they were — much more effective than just saying they were in a motel room. Another one I liked was Hell, he’d settle for being looked down on at this point.

Minor stuff:
*alleyway, not alley way
*Needs a period after then had turned up months later, mutilated
*Missing an "'s" in “That number twenty-three in the last three months”?
*"he'd of" in Hell, he’d of gone for it tonight. would probably be better written "he'd've" or something, even though it's dialogue (have, not of)
*Inconsistent plurals with Owens' hands but Owens's gesture, arm, best friend
*Do you mean Defiantly didn’t want to talk about how right Fraser’s hands had felt, or "definitely"?
*Should be "see" in At least then Fraser wouldn’t seem him cry.
*Should be "was" in Not when Fraser’s other hand and stroking his jaw?
*A few other minor inconsistencies like spaces either side of the dashes sometimes but not other times, and maybe some missing hyphens in phrases like soft lipped kiss , half open teeth bared mouth, Mountie like.