Poem: Appearances

[yeungmaisu.livejournal.com]

I agonized over which of my three poems to post here and I finally decided to go with Appearances. That's because while Appearances was the last one written, it falls first in the characters' timeline.

Now I actually wrote this as a companion piece to the other poems, which are more slashy in nature (and I'll post them here sometime in the future). However unlike either of those, Appearances deals with RayK's feelings for Stella and the nature of their relationship (as I see it).

As for what I want discussed, there were actually several points I was concerned with and would like talked about. One) Does Ray's voice sound true? Two) Was I able to capture his character? Three) Are his thoughts and eventual decisions realistic? Four) What is the underlining emotion or feeling behind the words?

Furthermore, I'm supposed to mention Sprat (sprat75@ gmail.com) is the current moderator and that she'll be leading the discussion this week.

Finally, I would like to thank Sprat and Gurrier for starting this community; it's a wonderful idea that's seriously going to help in building and polishing skills.

Comments

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

First, sorry for taking so long to comment!

I can imagine Ray behaving this way, changing to be what he thinks Stella wants, but the voice sounds off to me. For one, it's more analytical than I expect him to be, less instinctive. I don't picture him consciously deciding to "So I'll change my hair, lose the glasses, wear the leather, get the tat." I like that sentence a lot though, the way the "lose the glasses" contrasts with "get the tat" - same rhythym and sounds, opposite meaning. Nice.

The speech pattern doesn't say "Ray" to me either. It's smoother, less staccato, than I associate with him. In places that's a punctuation thing. For instance, the sentence I quoted above would sound more like Ray to me if it read "So I'll change my hair. Lose the glasses. Wear the leather, get the tat." Elsewhere, you have him use fairly formal language and sentence structure - "Admired, though not to be played with" - which sound out of character to me.

The final line hurts, in a good way. That hits at exactly how I imagine Ray was as a teenager - the kid who was "John Lennon, James Bond, Joe Namath, all rolled into one" for Stella, who tried college for his folks, who became a sucessful undercover cop. For me, getting away from that willingness to adapt is a large part of what Ray does, how he grows, in Due South.

Re:

[yeungmaisu.livejournal.com]

I think part of the problem I'm having with Ray's cadence is that the flow and ebb is considerably different from the other characters and what I'm used to hearing around me in RL. And that, along with other difficulties, makes it hard for me to follow his unique speech pattern.

I'm not certain if they offer it, but what I may end up doing is checking the DVDs for subtitles and watch the episodes that way. :)

Thanks for the honest appraisal and comments, G. You offered several excellent points of what I should focus on next time.

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

The feel seems write but the voice seems a little to formal. I'd expect it to be sharper and a bit more raw.

If you took it out of first person and had it be an outsider veiwer the voice would work better for me.

The feeling and ideas are spot on I think of what Ray does to keep his Stella. The irnoy being once he gives her what he thinks she wants, she starts wanting something differnt.

Fandom poem are a tough thing to pull off well becuase we don't actaully have examples of how a character writes/would write poetry (or anything at all for that matter). It was a good read and I enjoyed it overall.

Thanks for sharing this.

Re:

[yeungmaisu.livejournal.com]

::nods in agreement::

I tend to agree with you here, K. While I feel I have a good understanding of Ray's psychology, his voice has always been difficult for me. And for whatever reason, I seem to swing between making him sound too formal or too earthy.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment constructively.