The feel seems write but the voice seems a little to formal. I'd expect it to be sharper and a bit more raw.
If you took it out of first person and had it be an outsider veiwer the voice would work better for me.
The feeling and ideas are spot on I think of what Ray does to keep his Stella. The irnoy being once he gives her what he thinks she wants, she starts wanting something differnt.
Fandom poem are a tough thing to pull off well becuase we don't actaully have examples of how a character writes/would write poetry (or anything at all for that matter). It was a good read and I enjoyed it overall.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2005-10-03 10:46 pm (UTC)If you took it out of first person and had it be an outsider veiwer the voice would work better for me.
The feeling and ideas are spot on I think of what Ray does to keep his Stella. The irnoy being once he gives her what he thinks she wants, she starts wanting something differnt.
Fandom poem are a tough thing to pull off well becuase we don't actaully have examples of how a character writes/would write poetry (or anything at all for that matter). It was a good read and I enjoyed it overall.
Thanks for sharing this.