this week's story: "In the Water" by gurrier

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

To get the ball rolling, I'm submitting a story of mine called In the Water.

Due South is the first fandom I've ever written in, and the first time I've written fiction since leaving school nearly 20 years ago. That's a long time without worrying about plot, structure, characterisation - anything! People have said nice things, which feels really good, but I'm left wondering. What didn't work? What could I do better? So i'd really appreciate some critical feedback.

This week's moderator is sprat, sprat75@gmail.com.

Comments

[xtricks.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's much that needs crit, so to speak. I like the general tone of calm in this story - often RayK POV stories are very high strung - angry/angsty/hyper - but this one is both in character and a Ray that's more in control (or taking control) of himself and his life.

The only thing that I might have taken in a different diretion is...

He stops beside Fraser, reaches for his chin, tilts his head. Fraser's got his polite little smile on, the one that says "Ray, my friend, I have no idea what you're doing." But he sits there, waits for Ray to clue him in.

I see Fraser as very quick on the uptake and someone who dosne't miss much - even if he acts as if he dosen't understand. I'm torn because I like this para but I also would imagine that Fraser already knew Ray was attracted.

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

Point! Especially after I'd had him notice the chlorine... I could claim that Fraser knew Ray was attracted, but wasn't expecting him to make a move, or that he was maintaining his cluelessness as cover. But truthfully I was thinking so much of Ray, I didn't pay enough attention to Fraser.