This week's story: "Your Hands, Clasped" by pearl-o

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

After a lot of thought, I decided the story I was most interested in putting up here would definitely be both one that I was proud of, and one where I had taken some risks and experimented as I wrote. The one that probably fits both of those category best for me is Your Hands, Clasped.

Basically, a lot of this story was me experimenting and trying to try new things, and find out what happened. The POV here is a mixture of first and second person, which I hadn't used before; the timeline is slightly irregular; the voice is in some ways richer, and in some ways more minimalist than I would usually use; it's quite short and very focused. The story's very stylized, and I guess what I'm mainly interested in what ways that works, and which way it doesn't -- because ideally, in this sort of story, the style enhances the substance, instead of the substance just disappearing, but that's not always the case.

Besides that, I'm really interesting in any comments people have in general.

The story is here: Your Hands, Clasped.

This week's moderator is sprat, email at sprat75 @ gmail.com

Comments

[china_shop]

I love this story, as I’ve told you before. I love the voice: I find it lyrical and poetic, particularly in the sense that you have to look beneath the surface to dig out the meanings of things. And, generally, it builds up such a sense of unease and disconnect that the ending, when I get there, is surprising and comforting, and yay!

That said, I’ve just read it with my analytical hat on, and I did find a few things that didn’t work for me, and one underlying question.

The question first: why is Ray so cranky? I mean, it works as a narrative device, because you don’t know which way he’s going to fall, but as far as their relationship goes, I don’t see why he’s so tightly wound. I don’t think of him as being a particularly irritable person unless something’s really bugging him, and here he just got laid, so you’d think he could crack a smile or, more importantly, show some tenderness toward Fraser. Reassure him. Although this style of story doesn’t allow us to see what’s going on in his head, there could be hints (possibly hints that are misinterpreted by Fraser). If I think about it too much, I start to worry that this is a shaky foundation for a relationship.

(Fwiw, I presume what’s going on is that Ray’s struggling to come to terms with his feelings for Fraser and/or being gay.)

The flipside of this problem is that being oblique about Ray’s feelings also undermines Fraser’s essential character. Ray and Fraser generally communicate pretty well (after MotB, at least—and there’re no markers about when this is set, so maybe this comment is redundant; I’m just running on at the mouth, here), and Fraser is a student of human behaviour (he can usually second guess crims and talk people down and stuff), so it bugs me that Fraser doesn’t seem to know which way Ray’s leaning, you know? And yet, he doesn’t question Ray’s crankiness and withdrawal. He just records it.

If Fraser does know what’s going on here, and he just hasn’t included it in his narrative, then that’s just mean. *g*

Some nitpicks and comments:

I kept up my own steady patter in the seat beside you. -- “patter” seems like an odd word for Fraser to use about his small talk. I think patter is practiced and false, like salesmen’s patter or comedians.

I particularly like the second half of the second section (the masturbation scene), especially using these pieces of you for myself, like hoarded treasures.

you attempted to master the intricacies of the ketchup bottle is oddly patronizing.

I read “Why are you telling me this, Fraser?” as Ray asking outright whether Fraser is trying to declare himself. Like, “Are you telling me this because you’re coming out to me, or because you’re in love with me?” And I think it’s a subtle and lovely way to ask that question.

In the sex scene (section 4), they don’t seem connected. It’s like Ray’s figuring this out on his own. So I worry a bit that their relationship, their connection is falling apart, even as they seem to be getting physically closer.

I love that them sharing a bed (5th segment) is not quite comfortable. That seems very real to me.

The almost resignedly makes me uneasy (as I presume it’s supposed to).

After all that, perhaps the fact that it ends with them forehead to forehead, rather than kissing, is a sign of hope. Maybe it’s symbolic of them communicating at last. Literally getting their heads together. :-)

Anyway, like I say, I love the feel of this story. It’s almost dreamlike, and I love the fractured timeline. I think it works really well. But overall, I’d like more hints about what’s going on beneath the surface. Or maybe there are lots of hints, and I'm simply refusing to accept them. Huh. Maybe I really just want what’s going on beneath the surface to be happier and more hopeful than it really is.