This week's story: "Your Hands, Clasped" by pearl-o

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

After a lot of thought, I decided the story I was most interested in putting up here would definitely be both one that I was proud of, and one where I had taken some risks and experimented as I wrote. The one that probably fits both of those category best for me is Your Hands, Clasped.

Basically, a lot of this story was me experimenting and trying to try new things, and find out what happened. The POV here is a mixture of first and second person, which I hadn't used before; the timeline is slightly irregular; the voice is in some ways richer, and in some ways more minimalist than I would usually use; it's quite short and very focused. The story's very stylized, and I guess what I'm mainly interested in what ways that works, and which way it doesn't -- because ideally, in this sort of story, the style enhances the substance, instead of the substance just disappearing, but that's not always the case.

Besides that, I'm really interesting in any comments people have in general.

The story is here: Your Hands, Clasped.

This week's moderator is sprat, email at sprat75 @ gmail.com

Comments

[ekaterinn.livejournal.com]

I think this story is very stylized, as you put it, and I think it works, for the most part. Oddly enough, it is when they get to the sex was when I though the style broke down - the vulnerability that the mixture of first and second person bought to the narrative seemed to work wonderfully for the first part, bringing a certain wistfulness to Fraser wanting Ray. But the sex seemed to need more immediacy than the style could support, if that makes sense. Though, in any case, I thought it was lovely story.

[zebra363.livejournal.com]

I didn't have much of an emotional response to this story, and maybe needed more explanation of their feelings than the style you chose allowed.

I thought the first section was really interesting: Fraser filled with unalloyed tenderness and Ray pulling away. Fraser realising: ...I had misjudged, misinterpreted the limits of what we have between us is really painful.

The second section didn't have any particular impact for me. I assume it was there to reinforce the fact that Fraser wanted Ray (though why he wanted him wasn't very clear to me from the descriptions of Ray in the story).

The third was painful again: Fraser trying to tell Ray a story, and Ray reacting with "Why are you telling me this, Fraser?" I wasn't quite sure why Ray said that — whether he felt it was irrelevant, because he wouldn't treat Fraser that way, or whether it was irrelevant because he wasn't in love with Fraser, or whether it was too personal for their level of intimacy, or what. What Ray was feeling wasn't obvious to me at all (not that it should be, if it wasn't obvious to Fraser either). If the story had been written in a way that permitted it, I'd've loved more detail about what was going on in both their minds.

Next, bad day --> sex: but I wasn't sure what either of them felt about that.

I liked the line It was only after your hand reached out, patting softly against my arm before calming, that I fell asleep. in the next section. I'm still not sure what they're feeling: Fraser's a bit uneasy but really wanting Ray, and Ray reacts almost resignedly to what he sees on Fraser's face.

Ray's declaration in the last section — "I want all of it, okay? Everything. You happy now, Fraser?" — puts a happy ending on the story, but doesn't seem to follow very clearly from what's gone before. I know that from this POV we can't see what Ray was thinking, but it's all a bit confusing (which I guess is what you intended, since presumably it's also confusing to Fraser). When and how did Ray sort out what he was feeling? I wanted to know that, and since I was left with no clear idea, found it kind of unsatisfying. The story seemed to be told, perhaps, at too great a distance from their emotions for me to fill in the blanks very successfully. If that makes any sense!

There's an 'r' missing from misinterpreted, which I didn't notice until the preview spellcheck pointed it out.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this comment -- there's lots of really fascinating stuff here to mull over, and I really appreciate the level of detail.

Fraser trying to tell Ray a story, and Ray reacting with "Why are you telling me this, Fraser?" I wasn't quite sure why Ray said that — whether he felt it was irrelevant, because he wouldn't treat Fraser that way, or whether it was irrelevant because he wasn't in love with Fraser, or whether it was too personal for their level of intimacy, or what.

This is a particularly interesting comment, I think, because it lets me know how differently that scene was interpreted from what I had intended. I thought of Ray's questioning there as less a rejection and more sincere -- most of the time Fraser *does* have a reason behind what he says, whether it's his funny ear stories, or allegorical moral lessons, or encouragement, or what, and I think Ray knows that. Fraser has a reason here, but Ray doesn't know what it is.

I think you definitely have a point on the weakness of the ending -- this was actually one of the things I was worried about when I first wrote it, but it didn't seem to come up at all during the beta process. I think you're right, though; it could be stronger, and have more of a clear journey to it.

[zebra363.livejournal.com]

I thought of Ray's questioning there as less a rejection and more sincere

It wouldn't have occurred to me that Fraser would need any reason to tell a story like that other than the desire for Ray to know him better. I definitely got the impression that Ray didn't particularly appreciate hearing it or think it was appropriate, though now rereading that section I see that you didn't really use negative terms to describe Ray: odd expression and face creased, as if (he was) trying to figure something out.

It's really interesting from my point of view to hear how it was meant to come across!

[china_shop]

I love this story, as I’ve told you before. I love the voice: I find it lyrical and poetic, particularly in the sense that you have to look beneath the surface to dig out the meanings of things. And, generally, it builds up such a sense of unease and disconnect that the ending, when I get there, is surprising and comforting, and yay!

That said, I’ve just read it with my analytical hat on, and I did find a few things that didn’t work for me, and one underlying question.

The question first: why is Ray so cranky? I mean, it works as a narrative device, because you don’t know which way he’s going to fall, but as far as their relationship goes, I don’t see why he’s so tightly wound. I don’t think of him as being a particularly irritable person unless something’s really bugging him, and here he just got laid, so you’d think he could crack a smile or, more importantly, show some tenderness toward Fraser. Reassure him. Although this style of story doesn’t allow us to see what’s going on in his head, there could be hints (possibly hints that are misinterpreted by Fraser). If I think about it too much, I start to worry that this is a shaky foundation for a relationship.

(Fwiw, I presume what’s going on is that Ray’s struggling to come to terms with his feelings for Fraser and/or being gay.)

The flipside of this problem is that being oblique about Ray’s feelings also undermines Fraser’s essential character. Ray and Fraser generally communicate pretty well (after MotB, at least—and there’re no markers about when this is set, so maybe this comment is redundant; I’m just running on at the mouth, here), and Fraser is a student of human behaviour (he can usually second guess crims and talk people down and stuff), so it bugs me that Fraser doesn’t seem to know which way Ray’s leaning, you know? And yet, he doesn’t question Ray’s crankiness and withdrawal. He just records it.

If Fraser does know what’s going on here, and he just hasn’t included it in his narrative, then that’s just mean. *g*

Some nitpicks and comments:

I kept up my own steady patter in the seat beside you. -- “patter” seems like an odd word for Fraser to use about his small talk. I think patter is practiced and false, like salesmen’s patter or comedians.

I particularly like the second half of the second section (the masturbation scene), especially using these pieces of you for myself, like hoarded treasures.

you attempted to master the intricacies of the ketchup bottle is oddly patronizing.

I read “Why are you telling me this, Fraser?” as Ray asking outright whether Fraser is trying to declare himself. Like, “Are you telling me this because you’re coming out to me, or because you’re in love with me?” And I think it’s a subtle and lovely way to ask that question.

In the sex scene (section 4), they don’t seem connected. It’s like Ray’s figuring this out on his own. So I worry a bit that their relationship, their connection is falling apart, even as they seem to be getting physically closer.

I love that them sharing a bed (5th segment) is not quite comfortable. That seems very real to me.

The almost resignedly makes me uneasy (as I presume it’s supposed to).

After all that, perhaps the fact that it ends with them forehead to forehead, rather than kissing, is a sign of hope. Maybe it’s symbolic of them communicating at last. Literally getting their heads together. :-)

Anyway, like I say, I love the feel of this story. It’s almost dreamlike, and I love the fractured timeline. I think it works really well. But overall, I’d like more hints about what’s going on beneath the surface. Or maybe there are lots of hints, and I'm simply refusing to accept them. Huh. Maybe I really just want what’s going on beneath the surface to be happier and more hopeful than it really is.