this week's story: "In the Water" by gurrier

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

To get the ball rolling, I'm submitting a story of mine called In the Water.

Due South is the first fandom I've ever written in, and the first time I've written fiction since leaving school nearly 20 years ago. That's a long time without worrying about plot, structure, characterisation - anything! People have said nice things, which feels really good, but I'm left wondering. What didn't work? What could I do better? So i'd really appreciate some critical feedback.

This week's moderator is sprat, sprat75@gmail.com.

Comments

[tex.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I can offer anything that didn't work in this story. But I can point out something that DID. And it's this passage --

"I know, I know, it only takes an extra second..." Ray follows him into the kitchen, pulls out a chair and slouches at the table. "But it's a slippery slope, Frase, a slippery slope. Start with 'good morning', and next thing, you'd be expecting 'thank you kindly' and door-holding and plates." He waves at the table to make his point. "Who knows where it'd all end."

Fraser just shakes his head fondly at him, and hands him his coffee. It's quiet while they eat, just the rustle of paper, the soft thunk of cups on the table.

Ray's voice is so on target - he's something of a smartass, but you know there is no sting in his words. He's entertaining Fraser. And he IS entertained. It's been a while since I read this the first time but I remember this passage so well because I thought "Yeah, that's it."

And then, the image of the two of them, together at the table, not talking, is just perfect. The stillness sets the mood for what's to come.

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

That's nice to hear! Ray can be so hyper, it's hard not to push him over into bitchiness and anger.