this week's story: "In the Water" by gurrier

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

To get the ball rolling, I'm submitting a story of mine called In the Water.

Due South is the first fandom I've ever written in, and the first time I've written fiction since leaving school nearly 20 years ago. That's a long time without worrying about plot, structure, characterisation - anything! People have said nice things, which feels really good, but I'm left wondering. What didn't work? What could I do better? So i'd really appreciate some critical feedback.

This week's moderator is sprat, sprat75@gmail.com.

Comments

[riverlight.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad this community's getting off the ground! What a good idea.

Anyway, on to the story:
First off, I don't know that I ever left you feedback on this story, but I liked it quite a lot. The whole learn-to-swim thing definitely seems like something Ray would do. I can definitely picture him this way, going through life not caring that he can't swim because he thinks it's not important, but then realizing that it might be important after all and having his inability nag at him until he (impulsively?) decides to go learn.

and Fraser'd just be so fucking understanding and supportive.
Yes, definitely. Spot on, Ray!

He's been going under for a while now, and he's got to save himself.
I admit I found this a little startling, I think because it was so sudden. I was reading along about swimming and suddenly it was like, "oh, metaphor!" and it pulled me out of the story a bit. It's not necessarily something I'd change, because it's a good metaphor, I like it; but still, I found it a bit startling at that point in the narrative.

and he's the skinny jittery guy with only a turtle at home again, but still.
The first time I read this through, I had trouble with this sentence--I said to myself, "Wait, this is how we see Ray! That's not how he sees himself!" I tend to think of Ray as someone who's content with his life, who likes his job and has a good friend and is happy, even despite the fact that his wife has left him (maybe that's not necessarily true, but still.) And in that context I had trouble reconciling the way I see him with his awareness of his turtle and consequently his state of being alone. But if I think of him instead as having a definite, constant awareness of Stella leaving him, and being not quite reconciled to that (which I think is more likely) then this sentence makes more sense.
Does that make sense? I'm trying to phrase it well but I'm not sure if I'm conveying what I'm trying to!

"And a good morning to you too, Ray." Fraser's tone is a bit snippy, but the creases at the corners of his eyes tell their own story.
Love this. Really love this. That's totally Fraser to me--a litte snippy, but so affectionate. I totally adore Fraser with smile lines; what an image!

And I'll second what someone else said above about the passage about politeness being a slippery slope. That's so totally Ray-and-Fraser. I love it.

As for the debate over whether Fraser would know what Ray was doing, or whether he was actually clueless--here's what I think. It seems to me that this sentence: Fraser's got his polite little smile on, the one that says "Ray, my friend, I have no idea what you're doing." But he sits there, waits for Ray to clue him in. doesn't necessarily say that Fraser doesn't know what's going on. Ray might think of that particular smile as Fraser's "clue me in" smile, but maybe Ray's wrong. Maybe Fraser does have a good idea that Ray's attracted to him. But regardless, I definitely buy Fraser sitting there waiting for Ray to tell him. Fraser's not the sort of guy who's going to jump to conclusions and assume he knows what Ray's talking about. For that reason, the sentence There's no smile on Fraser's face now, no expression at all really resonated with me. He might have a damn good idea of what's going on, or he might not, but either way, he's not gonna show it until he's sure.

And yes, the last scene is wonderful, as other people have said!

So there we go--my thoughts. Hope they're helpful, and if not helpful, at least marginally coherent. :)

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

But if I think of him instead as having a definite, constant awareness of Stella leaving him, and being not quite reconciled to that (which I think is more likely) then this sentence makes more sense.

That's the way I think of Ray - still working out who he is now he's no longer part of Stella'n'Ray. I'd like to have shown it better though!

So there we go--my thoughts. Hope they're helpful, and if not helpful, at least marginally coherent. :)

Definitely! I'm pretty new to writing, still feeling my way. It's great when people leave squeeful feedback, but it's even better when they take the time to say what could be improved.