this week's story: "Deep Cover" By Kijikun

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

I fretted for a while over which story to choice for this. In the end I choice the one I feel is my weakest story, and the one I'm the least happy over.

Deep Cover, my first Due South fic. A cliché fic at that. RayK and Fraser undercover at a gay sex club. Like that hasn't been done before.

If any of you can make sense of the title, let me know because I haven't a clue what I was thinking.

What hurts this story the most I think is the voices. Fraser feels too formal to me now. I'm also not sure the plot works, even though its light-years from what it was before my betas looked at it.

Take your best crack and let me know what you think.

Deep Cover, NC-17 RayK/Fraser

The mod for this week is sprat. She can be reached at sprat75 {at} gmail {dot} com.

Comments

[layniek.livejournal.com]

I have to say I really do like this story. I have a weakness for the undercover-in-a-gay-sex-club cliche.

I especially like this line: Ray wanted to hit him. To kiss him. To do anything that would get his best friend to look him in the eye again. It expresses Ray's confusion really well.

I have a little trouble understanding Ray's reaction to Fraser's comments in the club. I'm not entirely sure, from the context of the story, why Ray is so hurt by what Fraser says to him, why he's so inclined to take it seriously. It seems clear to me, anyway, that Fraser is just pretending, since it's so out of character for Fraser, so it might be good to include a little more explanation of Ray's reaction.

As far as Fraser's voice, it doesn't really strike me as too formal most of the time. Once or twice it seemed a little bit formal, but I think that could usually be fixed by adding a contraction. Example: I was jealous. I am sorry, Ray.

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

I'm not entirely sure, from the context of the story, why Ray is so hurt by what Fraser says to him, why he's so inclined to take it seriously. It seems clear to me, anyway, that Fraser is just pretending, since it's so out of character for Fraser, so it might be good to include a little more explanation of Ray's reaction.

I went back and forth on this several times on wether I should go into why Ray reacted the way he did. I think your right that an explation is needed.

As far as Fraser's voice, it doesn't really strike me as too formal most of the time. Once or twice it seemed a little bit formal, but I think that could usually be fixed by adding a contraction

Fraser's voice always gives me problems, so I'm glad I didn't muck it up to badly. Thanks for the tips!

Thanks for your input. :)