This week's story: "April After All" by sprat

[sprat.livejournal.com]

I liked kindkit's approach to choosing a story to link here--it seems more useful to hear about possible flaws that I don't already see. This story's fairly recent, so it's pretty close to the way I write now. And though it's not my favourite of my own stories, I do like it quite a bit.

I guess I most want to hear about characterisation, especially Ray K.'s--I've always found his a tricky voice to get right. I'm also curious to know if the structure of the story worked--like, were there slow spots? Was there enough information to let you know what was going on?

The story is here: April After All

And this weeks moderator is gurrier, because she was nice enough to take my turn for me this week. She can be reached at gurrier@ comcast.net

Comments

[riverlight.livejournal.com]

How am I the first to comment here? My goodness!

Weeeellll. I really liked this piece. Really liked it. Voice especially: I thought the first paragraph was wonderful RayK voice. Really lovely. And later, Ray saying, "we, uh, came to an agreement." And Vecchio saying You want we should go get some dinner or something? is just perfect.

As for characterization, I loved the details of the things Ray finds hot (the music, the car) and the things he wears. Those seemed very in character to me, as does Ray smiling at the question about whether he got cut. And Vecchio in the following paragraph:

Vecchio keeps his gaze on Larkin. "Did I ask you to talk, dirtbag? No, I did not. You keep your mouth shut until I point at you, understand?" He keeps looking at Larkin until Larkin looks away. Then he lifts that same steady gaze to Ray. "While the night's young, Kowalski."

That seems very Vecchio to me. Unflappable and intimidating, quite the cool customer. His expression totally wouldn't change when he slammed Larkin's head into the wall.

I was trying to make this sort of constructive criticism of a sort, not just compliments, but it turns out that even the thing I had a question about (whether Ray really would have a "total lack of discretion in who he flirts with") I decided I could definitely see. So, sorry, there's not so much of the "you could fix this" and a lot of the "this is good!" type of comment. Hope you don't mind. ;)

Seriously. I finished this, and said out loud, "that was quite impressive." And I guess that sums it up!

[sprat.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for all these comments! I'm moving tomorrow, so I don't have time to write a proper response, but I wanted to let you know I appreciate this. :)

[riverlight.livejournal.com]

My pleasure!

[zebra363.livejournal.com]

I thought it was great, too. I'm not really qualified to comment on the RayV voice, but thought all the RayK stuff was excellent. The lines where he noticed various things about RayV towards the end really stood out.

I wondered whether it wouldn't have been too late at night for RayV to be bringing RayK back home, if he really intended for him to speak to his mother at all. "Still early" at the bar, then half an hour later, then however long it took at the police station might add up to kind of late at night?

Since you asked, the only spot I found a tiny touch slow (and it's only a couple of paragraphs) was when RayK was waiting at RayV's desk and watching the janitor. The janitor paragraph threw me out of the story a touch. But, hmm, maybe it adds necessary detail!

I wasn't quite sure what to make of this: But what Vecchio don't know is this: whatever commonality they might have is completely superficial. Nobody knows what Ray has been through in his life. Nobody ever can. Is Ray just feeling a bit sorry for himself there, or is he serious? Are his problems really so different from anyone else's that no one could understand them? I'm assuming he's being a bit melodramatic.

You're missing an apostrophe in "Lets just cut to the chase".

My favourite bit: and maybe a little bit old while he's getting ready to go out. It's very touching! I really liked the way Ray was determined not to go back to The Land of Fucked and Miserable the night he was dumped. The ending's lovely, too.

[sprat.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for commenting. The points you raised (it being late for Ray K to visit the Vecchios' and the slow bit with the janitor) were both notes China_shop raised in beta, iirc, so I guess I ought to have taken her advice there. :)

I was happy to hear that you liked this, and I appreciate your feedback.