this week's story: "In the Water" by gurrier

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

To get the ball rolling, I'm submitting a story of mine called In the Water.

Due South is the first fandom I've ever written in, and the first time I've written fiction since leaving school nearly 20 years ago. That's a long time without worrying about plot, structure, characterisation - anything! People have said nice things, which feels really good, but I'm left wondering. What didn't work? What could I do better? So i'd really appreciate some critical feedback.

This week's moderator is sprat, sprat75@gmail.com.

Comments

[zebra363.livejournal.com]

Glad you got this community off and running.

This story resonated with me because I'm not a very good swimmer either and have twice signed up for adult swimming lessons to try to improve! I love your description of Ray getting the hang of it: Roll, kick off, glide. He's streamlined now, the water flowing smoothly past. Arms extended, hands together, head not too high, not too low. It's like he's flying underwater, and he grins again. I never got that good!

I tended to agree with xtricks that Fraser would have had a pretty good idea what Ray was doing. I thought it might've worked better if Fraser had a slightly different look about him as he waited for Ray to make his move.

If you want a proofreading Nazi, in I had my suspicions - the scent of chlorine is quite distinctive you should use either a real em-dash or the double dashes people frequently use (and which you've used earlier in the story). Also, I think you might be supposed to put a comma before the dialogue in So he starts with "Remember a few months back, that boat, the Henry Adams?", and possibly also the one that says "Ray, my friend, I have no idea what you're doing." (though I like them better without!). Could be wrong there, though. There's an extra space you don't want in starts to back off , too.

I think the ending — Ray goes under — is great!

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

you should use either a real em-dash or the double dashes people frequently use (and which you've used earlier in the story)

Consistency would be good, wouldn't it?!

I've been thinking over your and xtrick's comments about Fraser, and I find I'm more strongly attached to the idea of clueless Fraser than I realised. Or at least to Fraser acting clueless, and not dropping that act - but I can't think of any canon moments to back up this impression.

With Frannie, he's clearly aware of her interest (who wouldn't be!) and ignoring it. With Thatcher though, there's more acknowledgement of the attraction, presumably because it's mutual and she's not hiding it. The more I think about it, the less sure I am how Fraser would behave in this situation, where he's attracted to someone whom he believes is attracted to him but ignoring it!

[zebra363.livejournal.com]

I find I'm more strongly attached to the idea of clueless Fraser than I realised. Or at least to Fraser acting clueless, and not dropping that act - but I can't think of any canon moments to back up this impression.

I'd be really interested in examples you come up with. I'm very attached to the idea of Fraser NOT putting on any kind of act with Ray, and I see anything less — even a momentary faked expression — as almost a lie. I wouldn't consider his behaviour with Frannie or Thatcher good indicators of his likely behaviour with Ray. However, I can't bring to mind canon examples either — that's just how I personally want him to be. Which is not very helpful, sorry! He's probably perfectly capable of looking clueless, if he thought the situation warranted it (as a protection for himself?).

I echo what kindkit says below about the erotic effect of the specific details you mention when Fraser responds. The part that especially does it for me is one big hand on Ray's hip, pulling him close. Hips, mmm mmm!

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

He's probably perfectly capable of looking clueless, if he thought the situation warranted it (as a protection for himself?).

Yeah, I picture Fraser doing clueless as protection, even with Ray. Maybe especially with Ray, as there's more emotional risk for him?

one big hand on Ray's hip, pulling him close. Hips, mmm mmm!

Everything about Ray is sexy! Fraser's a bit too pretty for my taste most of the time, but I do love his hands.