this week's story: "In the Water" by gurrier

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

To get the ball rolling, I'm submitting a story of mine called In the Water.

Due South is the first fandom I've ever written in, and the first time I've written fiction since leaving school nearly 20 years ago. That's a long time without worrying about plot, structure, characterisation - anything! People have said nice things, which feels really good, but I'm left wondering. What didn't work? What could I do better? So i'd really appreciate some critical feedback.

This week's moderator is sprat, sprat75@gmail.com.

Comments

[gurrier.livejournal.com]

there's something about the scene that breaks the mood a little.

You put your finger right on the thing I had most trouble with in this story. I could see the beginning and the end, but the bridge between them just wouldn't come clear.

This sentence doesn't quite work for me.

::nods:: Yeah, re-reading the story now, months after I wrote it, that sentence really breaks the flow. Even more than the mood change you mentioned earlier, I think.