this week's story: "Knowing Me, Knowing You" by china_shop

[china_shop]

I dithered about which story to choose. I wanted to pick one that I'm not entirely happy with but can't figure out why, so I can get the benefit of your collective wisdom. But that still gave me many to choose from, alas. ;-)

Anyway, mental coin toss and I pick Knowing Me, Knowing You.

Feel free to point out right off that the title was a terrible idea. Heh.

Although I did work on this story during the beta process, I think it suffers from basically being a collection of notes or too-brief segments. I feel like I never rounded it out properly. Maybe some of the transitions don't quite work. Maybe it doesn't linger enough on the moments to let the tension build. Maybe I didn't flesh out the world enough. Or maybe those aspects are fine, and something else doesn't work. I don't know. What do you think?

You can find it here: Knowing Me, Knowing You, Ray/Ray, rated PG

This week's moderator is gurrier. She can be reached at gurrier [at] comcast [dot] net.

Comments

[china_shop]

Thanks so much for this, and sorry about my slow reply: I've been thinking about it off and on. Perhaps this:

Ray trusted her the minute he saw her, but he wasn’t stupid, so he kept his distance. Ninety percent of the nice guys—and girls—in Vegas were cons. Ninety percent of everyone else were sharks, scum and losers.

would've worked better without ", so he kept his distance". That would more clearly tie the "he trusted her... but he wasn't stupid" to the "everyone in Vegas is potentially a con" angle. Maybe? It's more that the dangers were present and the stakes were high, than he was *sure* she was a con. If that makes sense. :)