Weeeellll. I really liked this piece. Really liked it. Voice especially: I thought the first paragraph was wonderful RayK voice. Really lovely. And later, Ray saying, "we, uh, came to an agreement." And Vecchio saying You want we should go get some dinner or something? is just perfect.
As for characterization, I loved the details of the things Ray finds hot (the music, the car) and the things he wears. Those seemed very in character to me, as does Ray smiling at the question about whether he got cut. And Vecchio in the following paragraph:
Vecchio keeps his gaze on Larkin. "Did I ask you to talk, dirtbag? No, I did not. You keep your mouth shut until I point at you, understand?" He keeps looking at Larkin until Larkin looks away. Then he lifts that same steady gaze to Ray. "While the night's young, Kowalski."
That seems very Vecchio to me. Unflappable and intimidating, quite the cool customer. His expression totally wouldn't change when he slammed Larkin's head into the wall.
I was trying to make this sort of constructive criticism of a sort, not just compliments, but it turns out that even the thing I had a question about (whether Ray really would have a "total lack of discretion in who he flirts with") I decided I could definitely see. So, sorry, there's not so much of the "you could fix this" and a lot of the "this is good!" type of comment. Hope you don't mind. ;)
Seriously. I finished this, and said out loud, "that was quite impressive." And I guess that sums it up!
no subject
Weeeellll. I really liked this piece. Really liked it. Voice especially: I thought the first paragraph was wonderful RayK voice. Really lovely. And later, Ray saying, "we, uh, came to an agreement." And Vecchio saying You want we should go get some dinner or something? is just perfect.
As for characterization, I loved the details of the things Ray finds hot (the music, the car) and the things he wears. Those seemed very in character to me, as does Ray smiling at the question about whether he got cut. And Vecchio in the following paragraph:
Vecchio keeps his gaze on Larkin. "Did I ask you to talk, dirtbag? No, I did not. You keep your mouth shut until I point at you, understand?" He keeps looking at Larkin until Larkin looks away. Then he lifts that same steady gaze to Ray. "While the night's young, Kowalski."
That seems very Vecchio to me. Unflappable and intimidating, quite the cool customer. His expression totally wouldn't change when he slammed Larkin's head into the wall.
I was trying to make this sort of constructive criticism of a sort, not just compliments, but it turns out that even the thing I had a question about (whether Ray really would have a "total lack of discretion in who he flirts with") I decided I could definitely see. So, sorry, there's not so much of the "you could fix this" and a lot of the "this is good!" type of comment. Hope you don't mind. ;)
Seriously. I finished this, and said out loud, "that was quite impressive." And I guess that sums it up!